A New Start

Over the last 1/2 year I have gone through some of the most trying times of my life and actually was on the verge of giving up on life. I suffered from severe postpartum after the birth of my third daughter who was a little under 7 weeks premature. Even though during her hospital stay in the NICU I witnessed miracles I still had a long road ahead of me. There were the questions.. why did this happen? Was I not good enough? What did I do wrong? and that was just the beginning. Right after her birth I went into "survivor" mode and did what I needed to do to aid her and bring this sweet little baby to good health. So I pumped around the clock every two hours for almost twelve weeks. My hormones during the pregnancy were especially high due to me being diagnosed with Hyperemesis so after Elaine was born my levels didn't just drop they crashed. I lost so much blood after the delivery as a result of a complication. Needless to say with the circumstance and added lack of sleep my body, mind and hormone levels were all jacked up. Once Elaine started to sleep through the night I started to sleep more... and more... and more. It got to the point that I would sleep and only wake up to feed the baby because I wasn't happy with myself or who I had become but it was an endless cycle because when I was awake I would get mad at myself for sleeping so much and not getting the stuff that I felt were my responsibilities done so then I would just go sleep some more. One day I decided that enough was enough and my children would be better off without me. I had no where to go so death seemed very appealing. I sent my husband and two older daughters to the store to get me something and while the baby was sleeping peacefully I began the process of searching my house for something to hang myself with. What? Yes I really did the week prior I had researched and eliminated which ways I wanted to go.. Shooting was too much of a mess and I couldn't let my children see that as such young ages(really? yes to me at the time death was good for them but blood wasn't.. that shows the battle of my sane thoughts vs. depression), I read prescription overdose usually just resulted with really bad cases of the Ria and vomiting which I don't really prefer either, so hanging it was... it was clean, semi quick, and guaranteed. Any how I gathered the materials as quick as I can and believe it or not I said a prayer before I started. "I remember saying Heavenly father if something stops me I will never try this again(thinking nothing will ever stop me) and I am sorry." Well, long story short my Husband walked into the house less than two minutes and stopped me. He had come home without what I sent him to the store made the girls sit in the car while he came in and said something prompted him with an urgency to get home. Something just wasn't right. It has been over 8 months and too this day I still have issues with swallowing and I have to make sure I really really chew my food or I choke.
 A few days had passed and one night I have a very very bad melt down. Screaming, throwing things, crying, anger and all this happened in front of my children. I noticed during that fit my oldest daughter had become afraid of me and it broke my heart. So I left... I got in the car and went for a drive not intending to come home and just parked a park near the house. While I sat in the lonely dark car I contemplated driving it into a wall(seriously) and as I sat there sobbing uncontrollably wishing I could leave my body I was immediately surrounded with the Feeling of Heavenly Fathers love. The feeling was so strong that it  literally felt like he was holding me in his arms. I drove home and told the Hubby that  I needed help... I truly needed some sort of intervention because I couldn't do this on my own. I called up our church services and got the ball rolling... the next few weeks seemed like a bit of a whirlwind which actually created a lot of anxiety and I was hesitant thinking I thought it was going to make it easier but it seemed worse. Well once all the paper work was completed I went in for my very first therapy session. I was scared beyond belief that they were going to lock me up.. instead the therapist smiled and said.. "That is good you have the fear.. the people who get locked up don't even recognize it as a possibility" that was the beginning of my change.
I am thankful I have a very persuading husband and support from family and my church to help me though trials, give me strength, and help me recognize how strong I can be. My life now is in a much better place.. I am becoming the wife and mother I always wanted to be and was before even though there will always be struggles and room for improvement. I am able now to say "no Laura you have too much let someone else carry that burden" and not feel like I have failed the world. I think to be the best you can be you have to have the spirituality, emotion and physical aspects of your life all balanced. I have been working on the first two for some time now and now since I am medication and therapy free it is time to start working on the last. I gained and additional 20 pound as a side affect to the medication I was on but in the last two weeks I have tried to implement some new rules... no eating after 6:30pm, no snacking, drinking alot more water and cutting portion sizes. I have been able to shed 7 pounds in the last week and a half! It amazes me that with just these 7 pounds I feel happier, more energized, and lighter on my feet. This is exactly what I needed to start me off and give me some motivation.
A friend recently introduced me to doTerra essential oils well in their line of products they have a weight loss program and I have decided to try it... My mom is doing it with me too! My package came in the mail today so I will be starting tomorrow, I am looking forward to a healthier life! I do realize that once some people read this they make look at me as vulnerable and weak but If I "tell" my story and it helps one person out of their depression then it is all worth it!